Painfully Clean

I was in for a surprise today at Michael's house. First off, I was shooting a scene with Dana Kane instead of with Michael, but it was supposed to be more of a fun session. I found out when I got there that it was more fun for Dana than for me. I was told we were actually going to be working on my list, but about something less serious. Somewhere, mixed into my list, was working on doing my house hold cleaning. I can get lazy at times and leave dishes in the sink for a few days, laundry in the dryer and so on. So today Dana was going to do a little test where she had me try to clean dishes as fast as I can, while she was hitting me with a very mean stick. Not only did I have to clean the dishes, but I had to run around and find where they went while wearing 6 inch heels! I was a little nervous, but was happy for the different style scene to be shooting. We started off with me in my nice brown pencil skirt, a tight purple zip up and my heels. Dana said that she was going to turn over a timer for 7 minutes and I was to get completely undressed, minus the heels, put on an apron and clean the dishes before the time was up. If not, then I was to get 20 hard whacks from her long, thick plastic stick. That didn't sound horrible at the time, but man was I wrong!

At this point, I had only been spanked with  leather and wood implements. I must say that plastic is far worse than either. It has the heaviness of wood and the sharp sting of leather and Dana did not take it easy on me. She turned over the timer and almost immediately started whacking me with the stick while I was trying to get undressed. After I took everything off, but my heels, I then put on an apron. I was trying so hard to go fast, but I did not want to fall and I kept moving around every time she hit me. It was a complete challenge to clean dishes while someone is hitting you very hard, from every angle! She had a pile of dishes for me to wash and I had to wash each one separately, which was a little cruel, but I think that was the point. The entire time I am trying to clean, I could hear Dana taunting me at how slow I am moving and that I wasn't going to get the dishes done before my time was up. She also made things harder on me by making little messes for me to clean up in between dishes and then telling me I had to take food out of the oven. I was so flustered from trying to do everything she wanted, while getting spanked and trying to do it as fast as I can. I know that I am not a fast person, at all, but I was trying! 

She knew I wasn't going to make it before the timer went off and started to take it easy on me by taking a break from hitting me. She couldn't help herself, though, and started whacking away not too shortly after stopping. She told me that I not only had to clean the dishes, but look good for my honey when he came home. So after I cleaned the dishes I was too touch up my lipstick and have a glass of wine waiting for him. The timer was almost up and I still had 4 more dishes to do. Dana started counting down the seconds and when it was done she told me to bend over and hold the stove. I was not too happy, but she did warn me what would happen if I didn't finish. She told me to count out loud, and I did, but I struggled to hold my position. That stick really hurt! I couldn't see her swing, but it felt like she was hitting as hard as she could and 20 felt like a big number now. As soon as she was finished she told me to get back to doing my dishes and then putting on my lipstick. I was getting tired, but she did not let me stop and motivated me with that stick some more. I finished the dishes and started touching up my lips, which she replied with that I was even slow doing that! She told me to pour a drink and stand sexily awaiting my husband. Of course, I forgot to take my apron off so I quickly put down the tray with the drink and took my apron off. Dana mentioned how messy the place was so I threw the towels and oven mitts under the counter to make it look nicer.

She had me stand awaiting my husband and practice saying "Hi honey, how was your day?" a couple of times until I could make it sound sensual. This was very hard considering that she was still hitting me, hard, the entire time. Finally she was done with this lesson and told me to relax and take a sip of the wine. I was to remember how much easier doing the dishes was without someone hitting me the entire time. I agreed that this was very difficult and that I promise not to be lazy with the cleaning ever again. As much as this was different, I don't want to have to go through another test like that. She told me to get dressed as she was leaving the room and even that was difficult. I tried to put on my panties and had some trouble getting them around my heels. My mind was still flustered, but my body was done moving. After the scene ended I looked in the mirror at my very bruised behind and saw that her evil plastic stick had actually broken my skin a little. I wasn't bleeding, but it was like a water blister had popped. I guess I wasn't lying to myself when I said that it hurt! I would say I definitely learned my lesson and will keep up on my regular household duties.

Dani

My Enticing Double Life

Its so strange to see myself on video. I remember the discipline vividly, but to re watch it and hear myself is crazy! I find myself wincing during the spanking videos and forgetting that I actually experienced that. It looks so brutal, but I know I can handle a lot when it comes to that. I watch my ass turn from this creamy tan color to pink, red and then purple. It makes me feel proud that I can endure such pain, but that I am also learning from those experiences. The discipline really helps me, little by little, but it does do what its supposed to. I find myself complaining less, being more direct and just overall a happier person!

It is hard for me, though, to be so proud of everything that I am going through and not being able to tell the world. Its as though I live a double life, both of them great in their own ways, but they must stay separate. Not everyone would think that me being disciplined, and filmed while doing so, is a good thing or even a sane thing. In life you have to choose your battles on if it is worth fighting for, at least at the moment. I don't believe a lot of people close to me are ready to know about this part of my life. Maybe they won't ever be ready to know and I need to learn to accept that. I am just glad that I can be true to myself with my fiance and my best friend. They know everything about me, my day to day life and the side of me that is trying to improve. 

I am living a fantasy with my "fetish model" career, yet its not a career at all. It is my life and I am not acting, yet I am satisfying this hunger inside of me. Its weird that this little girl's fantasy of being spanked is now helping me to improve my life. There are so many changes that I am going through and I don't know what to do with all these feelings. As you can tell from this very "word vomit" style blog that I am feeling a lot of different emotions. I need to get them all out and process these feelings. I don't ever want to have pent up, confusing thoughts and feelings. I never thought that I would be one to blog about such deep emotional events, but that ship has long passed. I find that writing for everyone to see is very soothing, even though I have no idea how many people could be reading this. Its nice to know that someone is listening and possibly understanding what I am going through. Well that is all I have to say, for now. I will be writing more and more. Until next time....

Dani <3

"Beating Around the Bush" (Passive-Aggressive Dani)

I woke up not knowing what my discipline session was going to be about. I seemed to be handling not knowing pretty well, I was fine up until I almost got to Michael's. My stomach started twisting and turning even though I thought I was pretty calm. I guess its a good thing that I'm nervous, I probably should be. I get there on time and sit down right away to talk. We catch up a little and then get right to the point of what today is going to be about. Michael starts talking about my last email to him, I asked, well kind of asked him what the today's session was going to be about. To be exact I said, "I wanted to ask you what this session would be about?" which to Michael is a passive-aggressive way of asking. He then asked me if I have ever been called this and I said that I might have been called it before, maybe not directly. Being passive aggressive is not the best, it won't make anyone take you seriously and it causes a lot of the problems on my list. Basically I am trying to get a point across without being to blame for what happens after. I didn't completely understand what he was talking about, but I knew how bad it was to beat around the bush like that. Especially when it came to work, my relationship and any type of issue I want to resolve and not hold a grudge about. We stopped the conversation there and he had me get ready for the shoot. 

This time I didn't need to do any makeup since I guess my face wasn't going to be in the camera. I was supposed to wear tight jeans and my heels. I stood in front of the camera in my light very tight jeans, my black pumps and a bright pink tank top. He didn't explain much before the camera started rolling. I was to take off my tank top, fold it nicely and hand it to him. I then was told to step out of my heels, set them aside and pull my jeans down to my ankles. He then had me step closer to him and face the fireplace before he told me to pull my panties down to my ankles as well. Michael told me to spread my feet as far as they could go with my pants around my ankles still. After that I just bent down and touched the floor, sliding my feet slowly back until he told me to stop. I held that position for a while until he finally came over and started tapping this leather loop on my bottom. It was really light taps, then it got harder, but not by much. He was sort of hitting all over and walking around me, but then he started laughing a little. He asked me if I was comfortable in that position, to which I replied that I wasn't very comfy. Michael chuckled a little more and then asked if I was wondering why he wasn't just getting right to the spanking. He said he was just beating around the bush, which could be pretty annoying, don't ya think? Of course, he was poking the stick at the fact that I do the exact same thing when being passive-aggressive. I was then told that he is going to keep beating around the bush until I am ready to stop and that we both know how much I can take so I better not say it too early, or else.

I told him that I understood and he continued to hit all over, not too hard, but hard enough to make it sting. He kept walking around me, I couldn't see where he was or when he was going to hit, I was completely unaware of most everything in that position. I knew that I was exposed, uncomfortable and being spanked, but the worst part was trying to hold that position and not knowing what he was about to do. I could handle the spanking, yet I don't think that was the main point of this lesson. It was more about the position where I couldn't see and having to wait on Michael to slowly drag out and make his point. I was really starting to understand how annoying beating around the bush can really be. Michael kept going and asking me questions the entire time, not stopping with the whacks while he talked. I was trying to concentrate on holding the position, which was getting harder and harder by the second, but I knew I could take more so I didn't stop him yet. He kept telling me to not move, but my legs and hands were shaking and I would bend my knees or move my hands to try to keep up. When I finally said that I was done, he stopped right away. He then asked if I could take 10 more swats for him, to which I of course said yes to. He was nice enough to make them really fast, well nice in the way that it was less beating around the bush and finally getting to the point. After that he stopped for a minute, possibly looking at his damage and then did one last whack to say that he was finished. He let me stay in that position for a minute longer before helping me up. Michael was kind enough to pull my panties up and give me a hug. Which really does make the discipline feel so much better, it helps me to realize that he is doing this because he cares. I know that the discipline is working and I think a little fear is helpful when wanting to change yourself. I just needed to sit down, or lay down, when I got home and think about what each discipline session is about. This one was going to be tough for me, I think because it involves more of a deeper, underlying problem. 

I know that being passive aggressive is not a good thing, but I still didn't know how to change that after the discipline session. I looked up the definition later to help me better understand and it says that passive aggressive is "direct resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation." After reading that, I feel that I really do fit the description. I think in my head that I am okay with confrontation, but that is not true at all. I don't like people to be mad at me or think that I'm an asshole which is what I am afraid of being if I try to be more aggressive. I try to be a big people pleaser and help anyone I can, even if I should be doing other things. In high school I was what most people called a pushover, but I was just being nice and helping when I could. I never stood up for myself and what I wanted to do. I was very indecisive and I let others make decisions for me. I look back on that now and realize that it was very unhealthy and not so beneficial for myself to be that way. I did things I didn't want to do because I was a pushover and let myself feel unsatisfied in life. 

I guess you can say that being indecisive and a pushover was what lead to some not so great things happening in my life. I could have been aggressive in telling people what I want and others would have taken me more seriously. I really do want to change this passive aggressive personality, but I don't know how to start. My fear of being hated is hard to overcome. I know that it affects my work life in a way that my employees don't take me as seriously as they should. If I don't tell them to do something in a direct way, then they don't think that it needs to be done. I need to be more assertive with my needs at work so the job gets done right. I think that I need to just take things one step at a time and try to nicely tell people what they need to do. It will take time, but I can't think about the big picture with this, I need to slowly change my habits.

The hardest thing about being passive aggressive is how upsetting it is to everyone else. I know my fiancé gets frustrated when I can't tell him what I want. I try to slowly bring up things that I need done or want to do and hope that he gets the hint. I know that it doesn't work well at all and usually just upsets him, but I don't want to be rude or push my needs onto him. What I do is much worse though, its like I'm manipulating him by beating around the bush. If I want something done, yet I don't want to say it, then I bring it up enough times that it becomes his idea to do it. Or if he doesn't get what I'm hinting at all, then I end up holding a grudge for him not understanding what I was getting at. Which is not his fault at all, if I were to just outright say what I want then he would be able to give me a clear answer. It all makes sense in my head, what I need to do, but when it comes down to it I don't want to be dominant. With our dynamic, I feel as though he should make all the decisions, but thats not the case at all. When all is said and done, he is the one that makes the final call, but I can still say what I need and want. Being submissive does not mean that my needs don't get met, yet I have to understand that he is not a mind reader. I need to take steps in changing this behavior because the last thing I want is to make his life harder by having to figure out what I want or need.

It is also very upsetting for me, I mean when you hold a grudge the only person that it is really hurting is yourself. You are the one that is staying angry and letting it ruin your day or your time with that person. Its healthy to talk about and deal with your feelings so they don't build up. Though, when its completely uncalled for being upset because you chose not to ask something of them, then you are in a bind of endless torture. Its not fair to be mad at someone for something that you didn't directly say to them, then you regret not saying it and beat yourself up over it. I know that I do this quite often, especially when it comes to family. I should be able to tell them how I feel, what I want and be able to stand up for myself. I just keep putting myself in these circle of torment when I am passive aggressive. I know that this is going to be hard to overcome, but in the end it will make many things in my life easier. Including helping with many things on my list of stuff to work on. I can already see how this directly relates to holding grudges, I wonder what else this will help deal with. 

Dani