My Enticing Double Life

Its so strange to see myself on video. I remember the discipline vividly, but to re watch it and hear myself is crazy! I find myself wincing during the spanking videos and forgetting that I actually experienced that. It looks so brutal, but I know I can handle a lot when it comes to that. I watch my ass turn from this creamy tan color to pink, red and then purple. It makes me feel proud that I can endure such pain, but that I am also learning from those experiences. The discipline really helps me, little by little, but it does do what its supposed to. I find myself complaining less, being more direct and just overall a happier person!

It is hard for me, though, to be so proud of everything that I am going through and not being able to tell the world. Its as though I live a double life, both of them great in their own ways, but they must stay separate. Not everyone would think that me being disciplined, and filmed while doing so, is a good thing or even a sane thing. In life you have to choose your battles on if it is worth fighting for, at least at the moment. I don't believe a lot of people close to me are ready to know about this part of my life. Maybe they won't ever be ready to know and I need to learn to accept that. I am just glad that I can be true to myself with my fiance and my best friend. They know everything about me, my day to day life and the side of me that is trying to improve. 

I am living a fantasy with my "fetish model" career, yet its not a career at all. It is my life and I am not acting, yet I am satisfying this hunger inside of me. Its weird that this little girl's fantasy of being spanked is now helping me to improve my life. There are so many changes that I am going through and I don't know what to do with all these feelings. As you can tell from this very "word vomit" style blog that I am feeling a lot of different emotions. I need to get them all out and process these feelings. I don't ever want to have pent up, confusing thoughts and feelings. I never thought that I would be one to blog about such deep emotional events, but that ship has long passed. I find that writing for everyone to see is very soothing, even though I have no idea how many people could be reading this. Its nice to know that someone is listening and possibly understanding what I am going through. Well that is all I have to say, for now. I will be writing more and more. Until next time....

Dani <3