Thursday, July 2, 2015

"Beating Around the Bush" (Passive-Aggressive Dani)


I woke up not knowing what my discipline session was going to be about. I seemed to be handling not knowing pretty well, I was fine up until I almost got to Michael's. My stomach started twisting and turning even though I thought I was pretty calm. I guess its a good thing that I'm nervous, I probably should be. I get there on time and sit down right away to talk. We catch up a little and then get right to the point of what today is going to be about. Michael starts talking about my last email to him, I asked, well kind of asked him what the today's session was going to be about. To be exact I said, "I wanted to ask you what this session would be about?" which to Michael is a passive-aggressive way of asking. He then asked me if I have ever been called this and I said that I might have been called it before, maybe not directly. Being passive aggressive is not the best, it won't make anyone take you seriously and it causes a lot of the problems on my list. Basically I am trying to get a point across without being to blame for what happens after. I didn't completely understand what he was talking about, but I knew how bad it was to beat around the bush like that. Especially when it came to work, my relationship and any type of issue I want to resolve and not hold a grudge about. We stopped the conversation there and he had me get ready for the shoot. 





This time I didn't need to do any makeup since I guess my face wasn't going to be in the camera. I was supposed to wear tight jeans and my heels. I stood in front of the camera in my light very tight jeans, my black pumps and a bright pink tank top. He didn't explain much before the camera started rolling. I was to take off my tank top, fold it nicely and hand it to him. I then was told to step out of my heels, set them aside and pull my jeans down to my ankles. He then had me step closer to him and face the fireplace before he told me to pull my panties down to my ankles as well. Michael told me to spread my feet as far as they could go with my pants around my ankles still. After that I just bent down and touched the floor, sliding my feet slowly back until he told me to stop. I held that position for a while until he finally came over and started tapping this leather loop on my bottom. It was really light taps, then it got harder, but not by much. He was sort of hitting all over and walking around me, but then he started laughing a little. He asked me if I was comfortable in that position, to which I replied that I wasn't very comfy. Michael chuckled a little more and then asked if I was wondering why he wasn't just getting right to the spanking. He said he was just beating around the bush, which could be pretty annoying, don't ya think? Of course, he was poking the stick at the fact that I do the exact same thing when being passive-aggressive. I was then told that he is going to keep beating around the bush until I am ready to stop and that we both know how much I can take so I better not say it too early, or else.




I told him that I understood and he continued to hit all over, not too hard, but hard enough to make it sting. He kept walking around me, I couldn't see where he was or when he was going to hit, I was completely unaware of most everything in that position. I knew that I was exposed, uncomfortable and being spanked, but the worst part was trying to hold that position and not knowing what he was about to do. I could handle the spanking, yet I don't think that was the main point of this lesson. It was more about the position where I couldn't see and having to wait on Michael to slowly drag out and make his point. I was really starting to understand how annoying beating around the bush can really be. Michael kept going and asking me questions the entire time, not stopping with the whacks while he talked. I was trying to concentrate on holding the position, which was getting harder and harder by the second, but I knew I could take more so I didn't stop him yet. He kept telling me to not move, but my legs and hands were shaking and I would bend my knees or move my hands to try to keep up. When I finally said that I was done, he stopped right away. He then asked if I could take 10 more swats for him, to which I of course said yes to. He was nice enough to make them really fast, well nice in the way that it was less beating around the bush and finally getting to the point. After that he stopped for a minute, possibly looking at his damage and then did one last whack to say that he was finished. He let me stay in that position for a minute longer before helping me up. Michael was kind enough to pull my panties up and give me a hug. Which really does make the discipline feel so much better, it helps me to realize that he is doing this because he cares. I know that the discipline is working and I think a little fear is helpful when wanting to change yourself. I just needed to sit down, or lay down, when I got home and think about what each discipline session is about. This one was going to be tough for me, I think because it involves more of a deeper, underlying problem. 




I know that being passive aggressive is not a good thing, but I still didn't know how to change that after the discipline session. I looked up the definition later to help me better understand and it says that passive aggressive is "direct resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation." After reading that, I feel that I really do fit the description. I think in my head that I am okay with confrontation, but that is not true at all. I don't like people to be mad at me or think that I'm an asshole which is what I am afraid of being if I try to be more aggressive. I try to be a big people pleaser and help anyone I can, even if I should be doing other things. In high school I was what most people called a pushover, but I was just being nice and helping when I could. I never stood up for myself and what I wanted to do. I was very indecisive and I let others make decisions for me. I look back on that now and realize that it was very unhealthy and not so beneficial for myself to be that way. I did things I didn't want to do because I was a pushover and let myself feel unsatisfied in life. 



I guess you can say that being indecisive and a pushover was what lead to some not so great things happening in my life. I could have been aggressive in telling people what I want and others would have taken me more seriously. I really do want to change this passive aggressive personality, but I don't know how to start. My fear of being hated is hard to overcome. I know that it affects my work life in a way that my employees don't take me as seriously as they should. If I don't tell them to do something in a direct way, then they don't think that it needs to be done. I need to be more assertive with my needs at work so the job gets done right. I think that I need to just take things one step at a time and try to nicely tell people what they need to do. It will take time, but I can't think about the big picture with this, I need to slowly change my habits.

The hardest thing about being passive aggressive is how upsetting it is to everyone else. I know my fiancé gets frustrated when I can't tell him what I want. I try to slowly bring up things that I need done or want to do and hope that he gets the hint. I know that it doesn't work well at all and usually just upsets him, but I don't want to be rude or push my needs onto him. What I do is much worse though, its like I'm manipulating him by beating around the bush. If I want something done, yet I don't want to say it, then I bring it up enough times that it becomes his idea to do it. Or if he doesn't get what I'm hinting at all, then I end up holding a grudge for him not understanding what I was getting at. Which is not his fault at all, if I were to just outright say what I want then he would be able to give me a clear answer. It all makes sense in my head, what I need to do, but when it comes down to it I don't want to be dominant. With our dynamic, I feel as though he should make all the decisions, but thats not the case at all. When all is said and done, he is the one that makes the final call, but I can still say what I need and want. Being submissive does not mean that my needs don't get met, yet I have to understand that he is not a mind reader. I need to take steps in changing this behavior because the last thing I want is to make his life harder by having to figure out what I want or need.


It is also very upsetting for me, I mean when you hold a grudge the only person that it is really hurting is yourself. You are the one that is staying angry and letting it ruin your day or your time with that person. Its healthy to talk about and deal with your feelings so they don't build up. Though, when its completely uncalled for being upset because you chose not to ask something of them, then you are in a bind of endless torture. Its not fair to be mad at someone for something that you didn't directly say to them, then you regret not saying it and beat yourself up over it. I know that I do this quite often, especially when it comes to family. I should be able to tell them how I feel, what I want and be able to stand up for myself. I just keep putting myself in these circle of torment when I am passive aggressive. I know that this is going to be hard to overcome, but in the end it will make many things in my life easier. Including helping with many things on my list of stuff to work on. I can already see how this directly relates to holding grudges, I wonder what else this will help deal with. 

Dani


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