Shame in Where I Belong

My emotions are running wild with all the changes happening. I am finally making spanking apart of my life in a big way and admitting to myself that I really do want to be disciplined. I feel as though I need another person to hold me accountable for my actions, especially since I didn't get that much as a child. Not to say that my parents didn't raise me well, I believe I turned out okay, with a few mistakes here and there, but am overall happy about my childhood. Spanking is still very taboo, even now a days to be spanked as a child is bad and a horrible thing for a parent to do when it comes to discipline. As an adult, it is even more taboo to want to be spanked even for fun, but to straight out want to be disciplined is ridiculous. So, in my mind it is very hard to be able to admit that this is what I truly desire and in fact need, in my life. 

I am overcoming these feelings of embarrassment and shame from wanting such a strange thing as an adult. I mean, I should be able to hold myself accountable and be mature enough to handle day to day situations like an adult, not a child whose only concern is what color crayon to write with. I am realizing that I can make these decisions, but I need someone outside of my personal life to keep an unbiased opinion on if I can handle a situation better. There is no shame in seeking help, no matter in what way works best for you. I want to become a better person and I can't do that on my own, so I sought out a disciplinarian that can help me in a way that will work for me. It is starting to make sense with my fascination for spanking, at least a little bit. I still have so much to learn about myself, the community and where this fascination will take me. 

This journey, thus far, has brought up many other emotions ranging from sad to very happy and excited. No matter what emotion I am feeling about this experience, there is constantly that embarrassment factor lingering in the back of my head. I feel as though spanking is a silly action that is meant to put fear in a child, not an adult. I know that it isn't like that at all and everyone reacts differently to different discipline techniques. This might be what works for me, but it will still take me time to be able to admit that without that shameful quiver in my voice. Its also confusing for me to think about how spanking makes me happy and gives me joy, yet it can also motivate me to do better. I enjoy pain, to an extent of course, in my sexual life, but how can one act (spanking) do so many different things for me depending on the setting of the situation. 

If I liked spanking sexually, it would be no big deal for people to accept, that would just be a kink that I have and they don't. If I explain to stranger that I have a disciplinarian that spanks me when I need to work on something and also when I've "been a good girl" then they would look at me like I was crazy. This subject of spanking and being spanked in different scenarios creates a range of feelings and reactions from people in and out of the spanking community. It baffles me that spanking is such a grey area and I feel that this is why I am embarrassed by it. I don't know where I fit in because there is not neat little box that I can place myself in. Every person, every situation, and every reason is different when it comes to spanking and/or discipline. My journey has just begun and my emotional rollercoaster will go on some twists and turns while I figure out who I am in this world. 

Dani

The Test

I had just finished getting my first ever otk hand spanking and I was very happy in between shoots. During this time they let me ice my red bottom before starting the more brutal scene. This next shot was about testing my limits and seeing if I was dedicated to working on my list. I needed a disciplinarian to help me become a better person and help motivate me to not do silly things like drive angry. When I first met Michael, I had no idea that this was something I even wanted. I thought that I just liked the idea of spanking and since I have a pretty high pain tolerance I could become a spanking model. I mean my job would be getting a spanking, which I love and people would get a kick out of it like I have for so many years. I loved watching spanking videos and for the longest time I just thought it was a turn on since I had no other way of describing the feeling I got while watching the videos. Michael seemed to know from our discussion that having an actual disciplinarian would be great for videos and would help me. I mean, I wouldn't have to act because this would be real life, but just on camera as well. It was perfect! I was so excited to get started on my list of things to work on and to start shooting as soon as possible. My boyfriend, who is my dominant, was even happy to put his two-cents in on what to include in my list. We live a bdsm lifestyle, but don't have or want our relationship to include discipline. I like that he has the final say in what we do, but I don't want to fear him either. We live and work together so when we are home we just want to relax and talk. He is happy that I found someone both of us trusts enough to be my disciplinarian and I can work on these things, but not change the dynamic of our relationship. My boyfriend has control still and can add to the list whenever he chooses, which I have no doubt he will be adding plenty. For now, we set up a decent size list and prepared for my first disciplinary shoot with Michael. 

This second scene was more serious and really was a test on how much I was willing to take to help improve myself. I was set up on my hands and knees on a bench in a just my bra and underwear. Laid out next to me were six implements, 3 of which were leather and 3 were wood. Michael had a mirror set up in front of me so I could look at him as I was receiving each stroke. He told me that at any point I could stop, but if I did then there would be no reason to come back. He felt that if I couldn't go past my limit and take a punishment, then there was no use in him putting in his time to help me with my list. I agreed that I would proceed with this test and prove to him that I really want to work on my list. He then went on to explain that I would get 25 strokes with each implement and was to count in my head until I got to 25, then I would say 25 out loud. The first implement was leather and so were the next two, after that he would go through the wood ones. Basically, he was going to start with the less brutal implements and work his way up and if it got to be too much for me then I could stop before getting to the really terrible ones like the wooden paddle. I had never experienced any of these exact implements before, but a paddle was going to be completely new to me. This first leather implement was small, solid and almost the size of a hand. He picked it up and asked me if I was ready, I said yes and so it began.

Michael had the mirror positioned so I had to look at him the whole time.

It was a bit more stingy than his hand, but not too bad at all. The hard part was trying to stay in position and keep count in my head. He didn't stop until I said 25 and during the spanking he managed to do a very good job at hitting all over my bottom. I didn't make a sound, but I noticed my legs were wiggling a bit during the first 25. Immediately after the last stroke, he leaned down by my face and asked me if I wanted to continue. I said that I did and he went to go pick up the next implement which was a leather strap. Once he started, I noticed right away that this one was more stingy than the last. I had some difficulty trying to keep my eyes on him, but I did so with a few whimpers and pressing my lips tightly together. I might have even kicked my leg up a little near the end, but I kept my concentration on the saying the number 25. Michael leaned down again and said I could stop if I wanted to, but I was prepared to continue til the end. The last leather implement was a two tailed strap and boy did this one sting the most. It seemed to wrap around and hit every crevice. Michael began and still managed to hit almost every part of my bottom, including my thighs a little. I do have to say that the thighs hurt the most, minus the one time the strap managed to hit inbetween my cheeks. It was so hard to count, keep my eyes on him and try to stay still in position. I almost lost track of the numbers and tilted my head down as well as kick my legs a few times. This set seemed to last longer and I shouted 25 when it finally hit. I was breathing heavy when Michael came down and stared at me extra long, before asking if I wanted to continue. He warned me that he was now going to move on to wood and he would understand if I wanted to stop, but I said no. He picked up this tiny wooden object that looked like a spoon with a hole in the center. He hit the top of my right cheek and it wasn't horrible, but it felt like the pain lasted longer and was more direct. With this tool he was able to hit many different places that he wasn't able to before. He was hitting the sides, the top, underneath and even inbetween my cheeks on each side. At this point I could hear my cries getting louder and my legs were vividly kicking in the air. My bottom was getting really sore, but I managed to keep my eyes on him most of the time and soon enough we got to 25. I kept thinking, only two more to go. This time when Michael asked me if I wanted to continue, I said that I will get through this. He said that this list must be really important. 

Those leather straps can hit some pretty painful spots!

I love this action shot.

At this point Michael decided to be a little nice to me, I guess since my bottom was getting pretty bruised up. So he picked up the last two implements, both paddles, and let me pick which one I wanted to be used for my last set of 25. Like I said before, I have never been paddled, but there were two distinct differences between the two he held. He explained to me that one was short and thick with lines on it, while the other was long and thin. I knew either one was going to really hurt, so I picked the long thin one. Mainly because I thought it might hurt less since its thin, but also so that I can experience a paddle that can hit both cheeks at the same time. I don't know if he was trying to scare me, but he said that he would not have made that choice if it were him. I tried to brace myself for the first whack, though that was not really possible with my position. My ass was up in the air and completely exposed, so I was at his mercy with whatever he decided to do with the paddle. He hit me smack dab in the middle of my behind, hitting both cheeks and hurting quite a bit. I was a little shocked, but he didn't give me much time to recooperate because he went right on to the next whack. Michael still managed to move the paddle around, but no matter what it hurt. I couldn't contain myself with this last set, I was loudly crying out and saying "ow" while kicking my feet up. I was doing my best at looking at Michael the entire time, but I know that I didn't succeed very well. I even lost count and told him that I had no idea what number we were at. He stopped and got down, telling me to take a real good guess. I thought for a second and said 17. He straightened up, putting the paddle back into position, and said how lucky I was. 8 more to go, wow! This was pretty tough, but I was absolutely determined to make it through. I just kept shouting and counting down the whacks until I could say 25. I don't know how loud I was, but I just let myself go and was so relaxed after the last stroke. I was happy that I made it through all 125 strokes, yet my bottom was not so thrilled, it was throbbing. Michael congratulated me on making it through then he set the paddle on top of my butt and walked away. I reached back to feel my bruised bottom and it was so swollen! I knew it was going to take at least a week to go away, but the next time probably won't be that easy. 

After my first strapping/paddling. Michael says that once I'm conditioned my bottom won't mark so much, but I loved the marks!

After the shoot I was told to ice my bottom for a while to try to sooth it. I sat down for a bit while we discussed what had just happened and how to proceed next. We talked about my list that I need to work on, which will continuously have things added to it. For now, Michael wanted me to just keep track of all my complaints that I make throughout each day. I said I will, which I am of course, but not to expect any results until after my first real disciplinary session. He asked me how I felt after doing the scene and I told him I was a little curious on that one paddle that I didn't get used on me. So Dana, who was behind the camera, gleefully picked it up and asked me to bend over. She said I couldn't just ask about it without expecting to experience it as well. So she nicely agreed to just do one whack on each cheek. My butt was pretty cold from the ice packs so I didn't think it was going to hurt, but I guess I somehow managed to forget that I had just been spanked. She giggled because my butt was a little wet and then she hit the first cheek then immediately the other cheek. The whacks almost seemed to  radiate through my hips to the front of me. I don't know if the paddle really did hurt that bad or if it just hurt extra because my butt was already bruised and sore. I think I made the right choice with the long paddle, though. 

I asked Dana what her favorite implement to be used on her was and she confessed that she had too many upstairs that she has never tried. So she decided to show me her closet of implements and the first thing I see is this little children's stool. It looked different, though, there were metal balls poking out everywhere in the shape of 2 butt cheeks. Dana told me that was the naughty bench and said I should try it out while she explains all the different implements. So I sit down and its a little sore, but not bad and I see so many different tools in the closet. I didn't even know they had so many implements out there! After a few minutes of her explaining some of them, I try to get up. I felt like I was stuck a little to the seat, but once I got up it starting throbbing a bit more. I looked in the mirror and it indented my ass with these purple looking round crevices. It felt like I was touching a golf ball when I moved my hand over it. Michael and Dana sure had a laugh at that. They mentioned that it was the best indentation they have seen. After that I got my things a left, all the more excited and nervous for the next time I come over.

Dani

Lessons Learned

"This is How We Learn" from my first photo shoot!

I am only 22 now, yet I feel as if I have had a lifetime worth of experiences. Some experiences are good and I learn new things about myself from them, but with the bad ones I hope to at least learn how to avoid such horrid things from happening again. I try to see the good in everything, but there is a difference between being positive and being naive. I can be very naive sometimes because I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, though, now I know that there is line I do not wish to cross again. I was very naive when I entered into the BDSM lifestyle with my ex-boyfriend/Master. I was so eager to find where I belonged that I ignored the red flags everywhere. Looking back on that, I am happy with where my life is now because of having gone through that experience. I learned to trust my gut and to take my time getting to know the people I surround myself with.

Whether I am getting to know a friend or a lover, I should take things slow and not rush into anything just to get to the end result. I tend to look for the best in everyone, and there is always something to like about a person, but that doesn't mean that those people are meant to be in my life or that they are good for me in general.

There was  a saying that I heard once, it went "people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime." I am now a firm believer that this is true, you are destined to encounter certain people in your lifetime, but that doesn't mean that they are meant to stay in your life forever. Emma was a great a friend and was there for me when I needed it, but she was only in my life temporarily. It sucks, but some people aren't in your life long. You just have to enjoy it while you can and then think back on all the great memories. As for Master, he was in my life for the reason of making me believe in myself and not depend on anyone else to provide for me what I can do for myself. It doesn't mean that I am not a submissive, after our relationship ended I still looked for that in a relationship and found one that completed me in a way that I didn't even think was possible.

All I can say is that there is a light at the end of every journey, you just have to wait until you are at the end of one path before you can really appreciate it.

Dani

An impromptu spanking

Here are some OTK pics from a little *surprise* spanking from Michael that I wasn't expecting. The photos are unedited, so no photoshop here!

My first OTK hand spanking!

The timing could not have been more perfect. It was my birthday in less than a week and I was finally getting what I really wanted. A nice friendly, but firm otk hand spanking. I was a little nervous, of course, even though I had experienced a lot more brutal spankings. It was a completely new experience to me and that was exciting. This was going to be no ordinary first experience, I was going to be filmed as well. I was so happy that I found Michael and Dana when I did, they were absolutely wonderful and eased me into the whole process. 

Michael is going to be my disciplinarian so it was a great first experience together and he was perfect. I lay across his lap and I was in my dress, heels and undergarments. He lifted my dress to reveal my underwear and slowly started smacking away. It felt good and was almost relaxing with the rhythm of the slaps. He picked up some speed and continued for another minute, still feeling great. He stopped to lower my panties and reveal my already pink bottom and continued with the spanking. It felt like he was hitting harder, but I really had no idea if he was or not. I didn't know that a hand spanking could sting as well. 

This lasted another minute before he brought up that my birthday was soon and that I should get a birthday spanking. Since I was turing 22 he was going to do 22 strokes either slow or fast depending on what I chose. I didn't know what to do, but I decided to do fast and boy did he sound excited that I decided on that! He repeated that he was going to do 22 strokes fast and I asked if he wanted me to count. Michael told me that I was to try to count after each stroke by saying I am one, I am two and so on. I agreed and then he eagerly started. 

It was so fast and got more and more intense! 

I was able to catch up with the smacks, but by the last one I think I was actually wincing a little. I was still happy and thoroughly enjoyed the spanking, but then I looked at my warm bottom and couldn't believe the strawberry marks that the hand spanking left. I got up and felt my slightly sore bottom and before I even touched it I could feel this heat coming off it. Michael inspected his damage as well and smiled a little while rubbing it. Then he pulled up my panties, got up and gave me a hug. 

For some reason the hug was just what I needed, even though this was just a friendly otk spanking, it seemed to bring it all together. I felt warm, a little dazed from all the excitement, and content. Of course, this wasn't the last spanking I would have that day, but the next one wasn't so friendly. 

Dani

Submit & Forget : First Experience

(Note : I'm posting these early recollections in chronological order so that they can be read in the order they happened.)


Submit & Forget Part 1 :

These thoughts and urges cannot be normal, there must be something wrong with me. I can't keep ignoring them, its overpowering. I think about how lucky I am to be in the age of technology; the internet is a vast wonderland of the unimaginable. I can google anything I want and somewhere out there, someone has asked the same question. I start my search for spanking and I find the usual views on child abuse, but thats not what I'm looking for. I go from page to page and finally stumble upon a website that just has spanking videos for my pleasure. 

I click on the first one and I feel strange, I like it, it turns me on and I find myself jealous of the girl receiving what is meant to be a punishment. I keep clicking on more and more videos and finally I have to relieve myself before I go insane! Just the sound of a hand slapping against skin makes me feel like a little girl in trouble, and I like it. I can't help myself, but start quivering from excitement and anticipation; the noises keep coming and so do I. I immediately shut the browser from embarrassment and walk away to find something else to occupy my mind. 

Every moment I am alone I go on these searching sprees; I can't keep doing this, there has got to be a better way to get this out of my system. I confide in my best friend, vaguely, about the thoughts in my head and she thinks I'm strange, but is understanding. I'm alone with my thoughts again, but at this point I am just thankful for the fact that she didn't run screaming. We leave it at that and and a year goes by while I just get temporary releases from watching videos daily. I decide to search craigslist and quickly find people who want to meet up and spank girls like me, but I'm too scared. I decide to just keep searching and reading about their experiences online. 

I finally head off to college and keep myself in check with school and friends, but I can't keep myself from watching those videos for long. I sneak around to find privacy to do my search. It isn't like me to hide away like this, I am highly social and love to meet new people. In high school I was friends with everyone,  the athletes, nerds, stoners, whoever wanted to talk. I was curious to get to know everyone and I could always find something I liked about them. I can't say that they felt the same about me, but I tried to not judge and just had fun. I was so naive then, even when I first started growing into my body I didn't notice the stares. I was completely oblivious and thought guys and girls just really liked me. I didn't hide my bisexuality and didn't think why I would. I had my fair share of fun, but even then I knew that wasn't enough. Sex was fun, but it didn't get me off. I was different and enjoyed experimenting, but a lot of people judged me. The ones who didn't care to understand me then hated me for it. I was raised differently than these kids I knew. My family was very out there so I was far from judgmental. My mother left my father for a woman, my dad then married a drag queen and my sister was very shy and turned out to be a closet lesbian. I loved them and was very outspoken about my views in life. I did not want to judge anyone and I didn't care for anyone judging me, I just experienced the most I could in high school and tried to do the same now in college. Though, I was heading down a lonely path with these obsessions and fantasies.Then out of the blue, when my mind is running rampant with harsh thoughts about my strange fantasies, my friend calls me up. She had just stumbled upon this dating site that she thought would be perfect for me, ALT. 

This dating site is more than I could imagine! They had kinks and fetishes that I didn't even know existed, but have somehow been a part of my deepest fantasies. I feel comfortable here, on this BDSM dating website. I had heard a few things about BDSM and after reading about the possibilities involved within this new world, I knew it was for me. I liked to submit, I just craved for someone to tell me what to do or to do things to me. I started searching more about how to be submissive and what it meant. 

I was curious as to what type of person could be a submissive and was shocked to know that a lot of times the people who crave dominance over them are very well spoken individuals. They had careers in major businesses that required a lot of decision making and they needed to be submissive so that they could relieve some stress. For one moment in their day they would not have to make any decisions, they trusted someone else to be their voice and care for them. It may seem strange that spanking or tying someone up can signify care, but it does. Pain is not always integrated in BDSM play, but when it is it can be used to relieve stress or guilt and allow the person to let go of their problems. Restraints allow a submissive to relinquish control and be in the moment, weather its for pain or pleasure. 

Every person is different as to why they need to submit, for some its just a major stress reliever and for others they want to completely submit to someone else. They let a person make major decisions for them in their life because they feel like they won't or can't make the right one for themselves. They want someone to decide for them and that person has to know them and understand what is in the submissive's best interest. That's what I love about BDSM; it can be a lifestyle, a fetish or a quick stress reliever. At this point I had no idea which one I would be, I knew I liked the thought of it sexually, but was that as far as I could take it? Well, only one way to find out..

I created my profile and not even 5 minutes later I was already receiving emails. A particular one caught my eye, he told a story like the ones I read online and it was almost as if he knew me. We exchanged a few emails and got straight to the point. He sent me his number and told me to call him, and I did. I liked that he took control right away and at the time it seemed like he was looking out for my best interest. He already had a young girl submissive and wanted  another, which I thought would perfectly allow me to enjoy my bisexuality in one relationship . 

We talked on the phone for hours about what we wanted, our likes, the lifestyle and then he wanted me to come see him. I was going to college in Indiana and he lived all the way out West. I ignored the safety risks and went out there the next weekend. He picked me up with his sub, Emma, in the car as well; it was only awkward for a few minutes and then we all just got really comfortable. We had an amazing weekend! We ate out at a few nice restaurants, but mainly just hung out at their house. We drank, danced and got to know each other deeply while not spending a moment apart. I basically fell in love with the both of them that weekend. 

I knew by the end of that trip that I had chose my dominant and my sister slave, I couldn't change my mind about it at this point. The concept was still very new to me, and Emma called him Master, which I still thought was strange. It wasn't until our first play session that I decided to call him that as well. We didn't wait to experiment together as Master and slave; on our last day that weekend we gave more than a go at it. 

Dani

Submit & Forget Part 2 : The Session

Submit & Forget Part 2 :

I trusted him at this point, or maybe I was just overly excited to finally experiment with a BDSM play sessions. 

He had talked with me the night before and asked if I was ready, I was nervous, but immediately said yes. The next morning after we had started our last day together, I come back to the room to find it all set up. There was a candle burning in the corner of the room even though it was broad daylight; there were spanking implements of different size and materials laid out, a few I recognized were a wooden spoon, a riding crop, and a very scary looking cane. In the pile he also had 2 pairs of handcuffs, a blindfold and a spreader bar all on the bed. He asked me if I was okay, I took a minute to respond, just taking in the scenery. After I collected myself, I muttered yes in a shaky voice. This is it! I am finally going to get a little taste of what I have been fantasizing about. He looked me in the eyes and asked me if I trusted him, I stared back and slowly nodded my head. He then told me that if at any point I wanted him to stop to use a safe word that he had picked out. He chose the word Raiders since that was his favorite football team. 

Staring deeply into my eyes he told me to say it now, I gazed back into his eyes and repeated the safe word. At that point I knew that the moment signified a verbal agreement; he would be in control, I trusted him with my body and mind, and he would stop the moment I said the safe word. I am shaking out of nerves and excitement as he tells me to lie on my back side with my hands above my head. He puts the blindfold on and I can hear him playing with the handcuffs. There is a handcuff placed on each of my wrists and then attached to the bed. Next he starts cuffing my ankles to the spreader bar so I can't shut my legs. Everything is quiet. I don't know what he is doing, but then I hear him right next to my ear, he whispers that he is now going to put the nipple clamps on me. I mutter that I don't think they will fit, but he just laughs and puts them on easily. I wince a little at first, but then they weren't so bad. My nipples began to go numb, I didn't say anything so he continued with his next task. He picked up the candle and told me that he was going to randomly pour the hot candle wax on me. He pours a little on my stomach, I wiggle a little, its so hot! Almost immediately it began to cool and feel good. He goes up to my chest and pours more, then by my thighs and back up. Oh god it felt great! He pours close to my girl-spot, but never in it. He stops when the candle run dries and now picks up an implement. 

Smack! I feel a little sting on my inner thigh, though it doesn't really hurt. Its small, light and makes a high pitch smack when it hits. He begins to explain the riding crop as he whacks more and more places on the front side of my body. Telling me about how fast it can hit, but only creates a light sting and can even hit the small sensitive areas. He begins to stroke my nipples with the crop and then quickly swats each one. My body automatically arches up into the hits. I can feel myself smiling and anticipating the next hit, but not knowing where its going to be. He goes back down to my stomach, thighs and then right on my privates! I was shocked and moved away a little, but could feel myself getting wet. It was a little painful, yet at the same time very enjoyable. The confusion let me get out of my head and just enjoy every touch. Even if it was painful, I let it go on and coax me into  a blissful world of pain & pleasure. He continues with the riding crop for quite some time, but then out of know where I feel something different. It isn't the riding crop anymore, its still a small implement, but this time it hurts more. Its the wicked little wooden spoon! Its still light, but the sting is plenty stronger. 

The whacks are only on my thighs for a while and they start to feel really warm. The whacks get higher, but don't go above my navel. It hits my hip and I try to move my arms to cover it, forgetting that I can't move them very far with the cuffs. He notices and stops, but not completely. The safe word was still never said. Now he picks up the cane instead, this time starting on the side of my breasts. Its so sharp and direct, yet the pain spreads throughout my entire chest. I still feel my body moving into the swats, even when they change, my body likes pain. No doubt about it anymore. He moves down my rib cage, to my stomach and thighs. Again, thoroughly working over my body, yet never really hitting the same spot twice. He stops for a second and all of the sudden removes the nipple clamps. Whoa! The blood just rushes back to my nipples and its painful with how much blood is trying to go to one little area. It feels amazing, its pulsating with pleasure throughout my entire body. Its like my nipples are being played with from the inside, so much sensitivity. It doesn't even last a minute, but it was such a rush! He begins undoing my handcuffs and ankle cuffs as I collect myself, he tells me to turn over onto my stomach with my hands above me again. I do so eagerly, awaiting more pleasure. 

Once I'm set in place, immobilized by the cuffs, the caning starts again. No warm up on this side, just straight to the point. It goes on for what seems like a long time, up and down my mid-back to my calves of nonstop swats. Then, all of the sudden he focuses on one area, my ass. It feels great, he is hitting every angle, using more and more force with each swing. Continuing with this, I feel myself holding my breath and then panting and holding, its a strange cycle, but I'm not ready to stop. He keeps at it and then hits one single area on my ass repeatedly. Its the same force with each swing, but this time it really hurts! I can't take it anymore, I must say it. Raiders! He instantly stops, not a smack after the safe word is said. He proclaims, as he is un-cuffing me, how he wanted me to say the safe word. I don't know what he means, but I am so turned on and coming out of other world, when he just takes me by force. I am all the sudden on my hands and knees. He is moving his hands up and down my body, slapping my ass a little, its kind of sore now. He pulls my hair so my head goes straight up and my body moves backwards into his bulge. Oh god, this sex is amazing, so different than before. We are just going at it and he can't keep his hands off me. 

He is in control and I love it. We are moving so fast and I don't know whats going, but I just feel pleasure all over. He finishes and we immediately collapse panting, sweating and embracing. He takes my blindfold off finally and he is already staring at me, asking me how I feel. I can't even speak, it was wonderful and unexpected, yet exactly what I was hoping for. I didn't know I would enjoy it so much! I finally say yes and tell him that it felt great, he didn't hurt me at all, I loved the entire thing. He chuckled a little and explains that I'm pretty bruised up, he didn't want to scare me after just the first time. So he made me say the safe word, hoping I wouldn't freak out after I saw the damage. 

He notices my confusion and tells me to go look in the mirror. I walk to the bathroom and gasp, I am full of marks of various colors. I didn't even know my body could produce such colors, yet I realize that I didn't notice the bruising at all during the session. He shouts about how he only left marks in areas that can easily be covered up by clothes. I take it in for one more second, smiling still, and then lay back down to rest.

Dani

Trust Your Gut

Trust Your Gut Part 1

Trust is the key to any relationship, especially a BDSM one. A submissive is willing to put their mind, body and livelihood in the hands of a Dominant who then makes decisions that are best for the both of them. At least, that's what is supposed to happen; I was completely oblivious to the red flags. My Master was supposed to look out for whats best for me, my sister slave and him. I guess in any relationship there can be selfish, manipulative people, that can turn curiosity into a nightmare. 

I can't say that I regret the whole thing because my mistakes have lead me to the people I love today and helped me to become the person I love as well. I did have some great times though, and I got to discover things about myself that I didn't even know existed. Like my first play session, I had no idea how much I could handle! It was definitely a memorable and learning experience. Before I started the session, I thought that I would not like it hard and especially not end up with bruises. I left that first weekend, happy and content with what I had done. I was covered from chest to thighs in bruises of various size and color, reminding me almost every time I moved, of the pleasure and relief that I got being a sub. I was passionate and persistent with the fact that I would do it again, preferably with my Master that I chose since we connected so well during the scene. We had not stopped contacting each other since that weekend, endless texts and phone calls. He would have me check in with him every chance I got and still kept me in line even though we were more than miles apart. I thought he was sweet, caring and a strong Dominant. I was on the right track to being the well rounded person I aspired to be, and it was all because of him. I went out there a few more times by myself and spent the weekends having fun and getting used to doing things around his house. There were chores that he wanted me and my sister slave to do daily and weekly, and I would learn them all in a quick weekend. I would enjoy my time getting to know them, trying new things and I was getting a lot better at just doing what Master told me because he knew what was best. He would tell me to do what seemed like random things and I used to talk back, but he would just give me a look and I shut up. I was becoming obedient, cooking, cleaning and doing whatever was asked of me. It all seemed great, but there were a few things that seemed out of the ordinary. Like he would occasionally ask me to set up the bedroom and wait for him, then he just wouldn't show up. I would fall asleep in his bed and then he would sound offended when I asked him what happened to him showing up. His reason for doing these things over and over, or what I figured out to be an excuse, was that he was testing me to see how I would react and if I would do the right thing or be immature. 

Master would tell me that I did not do well with his test and I would automatically feel guilty for thinking that he didn't care or forgot about me. He liked to test me and was great at making me feel bad, but he was also amazing at comforting me and making me feel loved. While I was there it was hard to see how often I was really sad and so I would leave there thinking I had a perfect time. I had gotten most chores and rules down during my stay so I was confident and happy being there, it was my home. Then I got really sad when I had to go back to college each time. By the end of my weekend trips, I had started avoiding my school work, hiding away in my room and Master was acting strangely, too. He did not like the fact that I smoked cigarettes, but he sent me home with a carton of my favorite kind.

It felt like we were together forever, but it had only been a few months since we started talking and things were already changing. After our last weekend together, he had gotten quieter; shorter texts and less calls. I was told not to bother him unless he explicitly told me to contact him. I was still supposed to check in with him every day, this time he didn't always respond. At this point in our relationship, I felt dependent on him and our constant contact. It made me feel comfortable that the distance wasn't a problem and I could reach him or Emma whenever I wanted. When he wasn't talking to me, then neither was she. They would respond just enough to keep my hopes up. During this time, I decided to just have fun to keep my mind off the strange path of my newfound relationship. I would go to frat parties at college and when there were none, then I would drive back to my home town to get high with my bestie. Even these things wouldn't fully keep my mind at ease and I would sadden quickly with the thought of my silent phone. I could not make myself happy anymore, I needed distractions and drugs to help me. You can call it bad timing, but right at the peak of my depression, I was introduced to a new drug that could really make me feel happy. I fell hard with my co-dependency on this new drug and when Master had finally started calling again, he knew something was different. It was the first day of spring break and I was with my bestie when Master called. I was almost shocked that he was actually calling, I took a second to pick it up, then we got down to it. He questioned me about a few things and said he wanted to see me. I told him I really wanted to spend spring break with my best friend, so he asked her to come along with me. That day he sent some money to me and we left in the morning in my car. It took us 2 full days to get there, but we had an absolute blast on the road trip. It was the most fun I had in a long time, but then we got to his house. I was so happy to see him, but that didn't last for long. I got sad the next day, not even thinking that I was probably withdrawing from the drugs. My best friend was making the best of things, meeting new people can be fun and she new how to enjoy herself. I ended up hiding away upstairs, listening to sad music. Master had Emma come and get me, he know something was up and wanted to talk. I came down and he had me sit in front of him on the floor. He asked me why I'm acting so strangely and not having a good time, to which I confessed of my drug problem. All he had to do was stare me down and I melted, started crying and apologizing. He told me he somehow knew already and that I had to get over this problem myself, but for now just enjoy my time at home.

Over the next few days I tried to snap out of it, we just had fun and did what we wanted. Master even let us get some piercings and tattoos, he was paying for it all. Emma got a micro-dermal piercing, the bestie got an amazing back tattoo and a tongue piercing, and I got a star on my hip. Then I finally decided to get another piercing, I couldn't decide between the lip or nose so I got both! We were having such a blast, drinking, smoking and getting different things on our bodies. I was drowning out my sadness and issues from back home when Master decided to up and leave. He had this habit of going to the mountains with his friends, though he confessed to me later on where he would actually. For now, we just knew that he was gone and had no idea when he would be back. We had no money, weren't allowed to really go any where and he left his phone at home. So the three of us didn't want our fun to be ruined so we basically stayed drunk the entire time he was gone. After about 4 days Master came home and started drinking with us, I through a bit of a hissy fit since I thought it was rude for him to just leave. Especially since I was just visiting and my friend was here for the first time, I wanted her to like them and be happy for me. Master was not liking my attitude and started picking at me for being a party-pooper, it took my best friend being the amazing person that she is, to finally snap me out of it. I got pretty drunk and Master wanted to cheer me up so he let me spend the night with him. We played a little and had our fun, but we were drunk so it didn't last long. I was happy, though, that he chose me to sleep with him that night. I was happy the rest of my trip, he was really making me feel special again. It helped that we stayed drunk almost all day, but he couldn't just leave it at that. My second to last day there Master wanted Emma and I to get another tattoo, his initials. I wasn't too comfortable with it, but after drinking and partying, I eventually made it to the tattoo parlor. He wanted it on our thighs so as to mark his territory, no one should see it unless he wanted them to. Master had pulled out the tattoo design from his pocket, it appears that he had it all ready to go and pre-made. I was really out of it when I was getting the tattoo, but the next day I saw it. It was not just his initials, it was his initials in giant bubble letters filled and lined with black. I was heading home today so I tried to just smile and Master was being so nice. He handed me money and we left to go back home. I just kept thinking that he basically branded me! I was feeling very uncomfortable, but there was no turning back now. 

My best friend kept trying to make me feel better, even though she knew that the tattoo was a big mistake, we were just so caught up in the vacation. We started playing some good music and kept driving home, there was nothing more to say. By the time we got back to Illinois, we were both tired and the entire trip was getting to us. Non stop partying and coming down from all that, craving our drug of choice and after a long 2 days of driving was too much. We crashed out, but not before Emma texted us about how mad Master was at me. Apparently, I left the house a mess, referring to when I was packing up to leave. He had to jump over my bag to get a cup of water and that meant that it was a mess. I was kind of offended that he was mad over something petty like that and couldn't even tell me himself. I apologized still and proclaimed that it was a temporary mess that I cleaned up when I left. I didn't hear anything back so I slept and left to go back to school in the morning. I got really depressed after that trip, not a single word from Master since I the trip and I was trying my hardest to get over my drug problem. My will was not strong and I ended up falling deep down the rabbit hole. My best friend was dealing with it too, in her own way, and so we drifted apart. I started failing some classes and not even showing up to others, but at college I was able to just have fun. That was my only support system left, I had no best friend at the moment, my love life was a mystery and I didn't have any structure with my college classes. I met up with some people looking to find my drug of choice or better, but that was the final straw. I ended up in a real life crack house trying to get my fix of whatever. I could not believe where I was, what I was doing and how I got to this point in my life. I knew I couldn't get myself to quit so I told my mother and she flew out to help me. The only thing that saved me was knowing that if I kept doing drugs I would lose my relationship with my mom. I completed the classes I could at college and then dropped out. I decided to move in with my mom. I was supposed to be moving to his home, but with no word from Master or Emma, I just had to assume that it was over. I packed up everything and started driving.

This move was going to be good for me, I needed  a new scenery and new friends. I still kept in contact with my best friend, but it took some time to get back to normal with her. This peaceful drive was perfect. I was alone with my thoughts, the wind blowing in my hair and the beautiful scenery passing by. Just what I needed, it was refreshing. My phone started ringing when I got to my last hotel, and I couldn't believe who it was. Master was calling after over 2 months of no contact. I answered the phone out of curiosity and he asked me why I was not driving to him. I almost yelled that I hadn't heard from him in forever, but it wasn't worth it. He kept saying that not matter what I belonged with him and he was giving me time to deal with my "problem" before I came home. I didn't know what to feel, but I told him I had to think things over. He kept trying to convince me to just change my route and come home to him. I just told him that I needed to at least see my mom first. He said that was fine, but to make the trip quick. We hung up, but I still needed to think. What was I to do? 

Dani

Trust Your Gut Part 2

Trust Your Gut Part 2

I arrived at my mom's house after 2 and 1/2 days of driving in my old beat up car that broke down the second I parked in her driveway. The brake line was so rusted after the long drive that it just broke in half. I was lucky to have made it there alive, but at the moment I was too tired to even think about it. I was happy to just lay down and rest, trying hard not to think about my decision. I took a few days to settle in and spend some time with my mom as well as get to know the area. Every day I got a text or a call from Master, trying to convince me to come "home" to him and Emma. I tried not to respond in detail, but after about a week he really wanted to talk on the phone. This time when we talked, he didn't exactly ask me to come home, but he told me that he was sending my sister Emma to come get me. I still didn't know what I wanted to do, but its like he knew my weakness for her. I loved Emma with all my heart, she was so sweet and was honestly one of the only reason that I was thinking about going to Colorado. I agreed that she could sleep with me at my mom's house, after I asked her of course, and that I would guide her here. Emma got up really early the next day and started driving to mom's, arriving in the late afternoon ready to pass out. She checked in with Master and then took a long, well deserved nap. Master took the opportunity to talk to me about how he missed me and wanted me home, but of course was still a little upset that I didn't come straight there. All I could think about was how I was already "branded" by him and should just give it another chance. I told him that he needed to give me a few days to get my stuff together, but that I would come back with Emma. The next day he decided that we deserved to enjoy the city a little while we were out there, so he booked us two nights at a hotel. We were surprised, but happy and thanked him for doing this. After the first night he called to see how we were and we said we were enjoying our stay. Then out of no where, he said that we did God knows what wrong and he was mad at us. He said he was going to leave us there and weren't allowed to come back, hanging up on us as well. Emma was beyond upset, she was crying and trying to figure out what to do. She went out drinking that night while I moped around then room.

The morning after we had to check out of the hotel room and go back to my mom's house. Just as I started to cheer Emma up he calls telling us to head back immediately. It took us most of the night to pack up the car with my stuff and then we left in the morning. I felt uneasy coming back, but I didn't want to leave Emma. I guess, I also wanted to give the relationship a fair chance, I mean I did love him and still loved him, but it was just different now. The drive didn't take very long with the two of us, before we knew it we were home. Master greeted us at the door, I just brought in my purse and one luggage of clothes. He seemed happy to see the both of us, he hugged me really long and hard. Then we spent the night relaxing and celebrating. I felt really happy to back now and Master even let me sleep in his bed with him that night. The next morinng we got right to work with the house chores that Emma helped me to remember. There was so much to do at the house and Master liked everything to perfection! He was very OCD with how he wanted things, but he never cleaned, not since he had slaves to do that stuff. It wasn't bad and we were comfortable at home, he provided us with everything we needed and more. We would clean every morning up until the afternoon, then we were would drink, smoke and eat. Of course, doing the dishes and cleaning up our messes before going to bed each night. I can't say I wasn't happy, but all I did was clean and party. I didn't really notice until Master would leave. He loved to go to the "mountains with his buddies" randomly for a week or so, always surprising us and not mentioning it at all. Over the last few weeks Master had tried to reconnect with me, in doing so he seemed to spill quite a few secrets. One of which being that when he said he was going to the mountains, he would actually be visiting his other slave in a different city. These were always drunk confessions, but he still did a very good job at explaining why he kept these things hidden from Emma. For this one, he told me that Emma was a some what jealous person and was barely able to get used to sharing him with me. I very naively believed every word he said, even though I knew in my gut that it wasn't right, but I was on thin edge with him so I didn't want to screw it up. The first time he left to wherever he actually was, Emma and I connected on a deeper level. She was supposed to be my girlfriend as well as my sister slave, but she had never been with a girl. That week we just had fun, got a little drunk and experimented with each other. It really brought us closer together, finally being intimate. I cherished the fact that I was able to make that connection with her.

Master would come back from his trips and always find something to complain about, mainly that the house was not up to standard. We would usually go out after he got back, but eventually that stopped happening. One day, Emma wanted to go out and do karaoke, like she did quite often, but he refused to let her go out. He started saying that we weren't allowed to go out, for various different reasons, except when we would go to the gym. He required that we go to the gym to get into better shape for him. I didn't like that at all, but I would go and just swim in the pool. I was trying to connect with him again, so I didn't mind being home, but he just seemed to hide up in his office all day. I was starting to go crazy, so I told him that I wanted to go back to school, which I really did want to do. I looked into a nursing school near by and he sounded proud that I was taking initiative for my future. Master then required Emma to find something she wanted to go to school for at the same college I was applying to. Soon enough we both started getting things set up and ready to start at the school that we were going to join. Of course, Master decides to disappear again just as we needed him to finish the rest of the paperwork. He said he would pay for school and was happy that we were going, yet he left right before we got officially signed up. During his leave he told me he no longer cared for me. No further explanation at the time, but my mother was asking me to come to my niece's christening. So I figured I at least needed to be out of the house to figure out what just happened and after that my mom could come back with me and help me move. At least, that was the plan.

I talked to my mom and she booked a flight for me out there, Emma drove me to the airport, and then my mom booked us both a flight back. I emailed Master what was going on and he said that he would be home when I got back with my mom. I tried to enjoy my trip back to my home town. I saw my friends  and they told me that everything would work out for the best. I was surprised that my friends wanted to talk to me at all. I mean, I had been ignoring most of them since the day I met Master. I wasn't allowed much contact with friends or family, I was limited to occasionally talking with my best friend when Master gave the okay and talking to my mom. I wasn't allowed to speak to the rest of my family because Master said they were a negative influence on my mood. I admit that family can be hard, but they are still my family and I love them. As for my friends, he just thought they all wanted to get me back into drugs or that I would miss doing drugs because I was talking to them. So I fell off the face of the earth, yet my two closest friends still had my back and were there when I really needed them. I was so thankful for that, but my trip was short and I had to go back and face Master. My mom agreed not to mention anything to the family about what was happening so I didn't have to answer any questions. They were all just happy to see me for the short while I was there and then we headed on our way to move me out of Master's house. 

My mom rented a car for when she was there. We landed at the airport in the morning and drove a few hours to Master's house, making it there by the afternoon. This was going to be the first, and last, time that my mom was going to meet Master. I honestly didn't know what was going through my mom's head, but she knew that I was sad to be leaving and that I really wanted to make it work with him before. So she came into the house and tried to fight my battles. She told him that I really did love him and wanted to work on our problems and be a better submissive. Master was smiling the entire time, he seemed to find what my mother was saying as cute or funny. After she finished and he mentioned how much he cared for me, but that I was lazy, he said how much he loved my mother. Master talked about how polite my mom was and that she was respectful during her rampage. He liked her so much that he was willing to let me stay if I worked on doing my chores and being more grateful. My mother and him agreed that he would give me a month to try to do better, then he spoke to me in private saying that the only reason I am staying is because of my mother and what she said. He made me feel so bad that I just broke down crying, saying I was going to do better. We left it at that, the next day he paid for my mom to fly back home to Vegas and gave her money for the rental car. 

The first few days went okay, I was trying to my hardest with the chores and being his shadow just in case he needed anything. After a few days, Emma got sick and she was told to stay in bed. During this time I asked him what I am supposed to do, but he said that I didn't have to do anything. At the time I probably knew it was a test, but I don't think I cared anymore. He didn't show any affection towards me and seemed far away even though we were in the same house. So I sat on the couch all day with my electronics, doing maybe a few dishes. I did not like to be tested, I mean why couldn't he just tell me what I need to work on and what he wanted me to do! 

When Emma got better, Master disappeared again without his cell phone, but then we got an email. The day after he left he sent a long letter to both me and Emma explaining his decision to let me go. He was very cruel in explaining why he no longer loved me.  He wrote in the letter that he would be gone for 10 days and during this time I was to move out, he didn't want to come back until I was gone. Emma was supposed to watch me pack up and make sure I didn't take anything that wasn't mine and she would only be allowed to drive me to the state line. He ended the letter saying that he didn't want my poor mother to help me out, but that was not going to happen. I had nothing to my name, no money or car. He refused to let me take my car to live with him and he didn't let me get a job either, yet he somehow expected me to leave without my mother or Emma's help. I called my mom immediately after and she left that night, while I just cried and drank at first. Then I started packing and Emma talked about how sad she was that I was leaving, especially since he said in the email that if Emma wanted to keep in touch with me then she can just leave as well. So this was going to be our last night together and my mom was ridiculously driving in the middle of night after working all day. She was so upset that it hadn't even been a week since she was last there and he already kicked me out. 

So my mom was tired, angry and sad while driving in the mountains at night. She was setting herself up for disaster, but my mother would do anything for her children. At around 4am she called me saying that she crashed the car, she was okay, but the car needed to be towed and fixed. I was so upset that she got in an accident because of me. She fell asleep while driving, her car went up the truck ramp and hit the bar at the edge of the mountain. I was just happy that she was okay and told her that after the car got towed to rent a room and sleep for a few hours.

After she rested up and the car was fixed, my mom continued her trip to pick me up. She wasn't able to leave until the next morning, but when she got there I hugged her extra hard. I was almost afraid that she was going to start destroying his stuff in the house, but she knew that it would only cause more problems for Emma and me. We packed up the car, I hugged Emma one last time while we both cried, knowing this might be the last time we ever see each other. Emma then hugged my mom and said how sorry she was that this had to happen. I told Emma that if she ever wanted to leave Master that she always had a place with me and my mom agreed that her house would be open to her. I knew that she wouldn't ever voluntarily leave him, but I wanted her to know that she had options and that I still cared very much for her. I drove the entire way back to my mom's house, trying not to think about my anger and sadness, after all I needed to concentrate on driving in the mountains. We listened to some happy music and tried to make the time go by faster, making it to her house in no time at all. As soon as we got there we both just crashed out, leaving everything in the car for now. We unpacked everything in the morning, keeping our conversation away from the asshole that kicked me out. It was over and I wanted to just move on, I was finally over this game he was playing. I wish I could say that I never heard from again, but he was never going to let me be. By the time he decided to make contact with me again, I was already moved on and with the most amazing man. That is another story all on its own. 

Dani