(Note : I'm posting these early recollections in chronological order so that they can be read in the order they happened.)
Submit & Forget Part 1 :
These thoughts and urges cannot be normal, there must be something wrong with me. I can't keep ignoring them, its overpowering. I think about how lucky I am to be in the age of technology; the internet is a vast wonderland of the unimaginable. I can google anything I want and somewhere out there, someone has asked the same question. I start my search for spanking and I find the usual views on child abuse, but thats not what I'm looking for. I go from page to page and finally stumble upon a website that just has spanking videos for my pleasure.
I click on the first one and I feel strange, I like it, it turns me on and I find myself jealous of the girl receiving what is meant to be a punishment. I keep clicking on more and more videos and finally I have to relieve myself before I go insane! Just the sound of a hand slapping against skin makes me feel like a little girl in trouble, and I like it. I can't help myself, but start quivering from excitement and anticipation; the noises keep coming and so do I. I immediately shut the browser from embarrassment and walk away to find something else to occupy my mind.
Every moment I am alone I go on these searching sprees; I can't keep doing this, there has got to be a better way to get this out of my system. I confide in my best friend, vaguely, about the thoughts in my head and she thinks I'm strange, but is understanding. I'm alone with my thoughts again, but at this point I am just thankful for the fact that she didn't run screaming. We leave it at that and and a year goes by while I just get temporary releases from watching videos daily. I decide to search craigslist and quickly find people who want to meet up and spank girls like me, but I'm too scared. I decide to just keep searching and reading about their experiences online.
I finally head off to college and keep myself in check with school and friends, but I can't keep myself from watching those videos for long. I sneak around to find privacy to do my search. It isn't like me to hide away like this, I am highly social and love to meet new people. In high school I was friends with everyone, the athletes, nerds, stoners, whoever wanted to talk. I was curious to get to know everyone and I could always find something I liked about them. I can't say that they felt the same about me, but I tried to not judge and just had fun. I was so naive then, even when I first started growing into my body I didn't notice the stares. I was completely oblivious and thought guys and girls just really liked me. I didn't hide my bisexuality and didn't think why I would. I had my fair share of fun, but even then I knew that wasn't enough. Sex was fun, but it didn't get me off. I was different and enjoyed experimenting, but a lot of people judged me. The ones who didn't care to understand me then hated me for it. I was raised differently than these kids I knew. My family was very out there so I was far from judgmental. My mother left my father for a woman, my dad then married a drag queen and my sister was very shy and turned out to be a closet lesbian. I loved them and was very outspoken about my views in life. I did not want to judge anyone and I didn't care for anyone judging me, I just experienced the most I could in high school and tried to do the same now in college. Though, I was heading down a lonely path with these obsessions and fantasies.Then out of the blue, when my mind is running rampant with harsh thoughts about my strange fantasies, my friend calls me up. She had just stumbled upon this dating site that she thought would be perfect for me, ALT.
This dating site is more than I could imagine! They had kinks and fetishes that I didn't even know existed, but have somehow been a part of my deepest fantasies. I feel comfortable here, on this BDSM dating website. I had heard a few things about BDSM and after reading about the possibilities involved within this new world, I knew it was for me. I liked to submit, I just craved for someone to tell me what to do or to do things to me. I started searching more about how to be submissive and what it meant.
I was curious as to what type of person could be a submissive and was shocked to know that a lot of times the people who crave dominance over them are very well spoken individuals. They had careers in major businesses that required a lot of decision making and they needed to be submissive so that they could relieve some stress. For one moment in their day they would not have to make any decisions, they trusted someone else to be their voice and care for them. It may seem strange that spanking or tying someone up can signify care, but it does. Pain is not always integrated in BDSM play, but when it is it can be used to relieve stress or guilt and allow the person to let go of their problems. Restraints allow a submissive to relinquish control and be in the moment, weather its for pain or pleasure.
Every person is different as to why they need to submit, for some its just a major stress reliever and for others they want to completely submit to someone else. They let a person make major decisions for them in their life because they feel like they won't or can't make the right one for themselves. They want someone to decide for them and that person has to know them and understand what is in the submissive's best interest. That's what I love about BDSM; it can be a lifestyle, a fetish or a quick stress reliever. At this point I had no idea which one I would be, I knew I liked the thought of it sexually, but was that as far as I could take it? Well, only one way to find out..
I created my profile and not even 5 minutes later I was already receiving emails. A particular one caught my eye, he told a story like the ones I read online and it was almost as if he knew me. We exchanged a few emails and got straight to the point. He sent me his number and told me to call him, and I did. I liked that he took control right away and at the time it seemed like he was looking out for my best interest. He already had a young girl submissive and wanted another, which I thought would perfectly allow me to enjoy my bisexuality in one relationship .
We talked on the phone for hours about what we wanted, our likes, the lifestyle and then he wanted me to come see him. I was going to college in Indiana and he lived all the way out West. I ignored the safety risks and went out there the next weekend. He picked me up with his sub, Emma, in the car as well; it was only awkward for a few minutes and then we all just got really comfortable. We had an amazing weekend! We ate out at a few nice restaurants, but mainly just hung out at their house. We drank, danced and got to know each other deeply while not spending a moment apart. I basically fell in love with the both of them that weekend.
I knew by the end of that trip that I had chose my dominant and my sister slave, I couldn't change my mind about it at this point. The concept was still very new to me, and Emma called him Master, which I still thought was strange. It wasn't until our first play session that I decided to call him that as well. We didn't wait to experiment together as Master and slave; on our last day that weekend we gave more than a go at it.
Dani
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