Shame in Where I Belong

My emotions are running wild with all the changes happening. I am finally making spanking apart of my life in a big way and admitting to myself that I really do want to be disciplined. I feel as though I need another person to hold me accountable for my actions, especially since I didn't get that much as a child. Not to say that my parents didn't raise me well, I believe I turned out okay, with a few mistakes here and there, but am overall happy about my childhood. Spanking is still very taboo, even now a days to be spanked as a child is bad and a horrible thing for a parent to do when it comes to discipline. As an adult, it is even more taboo to want to be spanked even for fun, but to straight out want to be disciplined is ridiculous. So, in my mind it is very hard to be able to admit that this is what I truly desire and in fact need, in my life. 

I am overcoming these feelings of embarrassment and shame from wanting such a strange thing as an adult. I mean, I should be able to hold myself accountable and be mature enough to handle day to day situations like an adult, not a child whose only concern is what color crayon to write with. I am realizing that I can make these decisions, but I need someone outside of my personal life to keep an unbiased opinion on if I can handle a situation better. There is no shame in seeking help, no matter in what way works best for you. I want to become a better person and I can't do that on my own, so I sought out a disciplinarian that can help me in a way that will work for me. It is starting to make sense with my fascination for spanking, at least a little bit. I still have so much to learn about myself, the community and where this fascination will take me. 

This journey, thus far, has brought up many other emotions ranging from sad to very happy and excited. No matter what emotion I am feeling about this experience, there is constantly that embarrassment factor lingering in the back of my head. I feel as though spanking is a silly action that is meant to put fear in a child, not an adult. I know that it isn't like that at all and everyone reacts differently to different discipline techniques. This might be what works for me, but it will still take me time to be able to admit that without that shameful quiver in my voice. Its also confusing for me to think about how spanking makes me happy and gives me joy, yet it can also motivate me to do better. I enjoy pain, to an extent of course, in my sexual life, but how can one act (spanking) do so many different things for me depending on the setting of the situation. 

If I liked spanking sexually, it would be no big deal for people to accept, that would just be a kink that I have and they don't. If I explain to stranger that I have a disciplinarian that spanks me when I need to work on something and also when I've "been a good girl" then they would look at me like I was crazy. This subject of spanking and being spanked in different scenarios creates a range of feelings and reactions from people in and out of the spanking community. It baffles me that spanking is such a grey area and I feel that this is why I am embarrassed by it. I don't know where I fit in because there is not neat little box that I can place myself in. Every person, every situation, and every reason is different when it comes to spanking and/or discipline. My journey has just begun and my emotional rollercoaster will go on some twists and turns while I figure out who I am in this world. 

Dani