Trust Your Gut

Trust Your Gut Part 1

Trust is the key to any relationship, especially a BDSM one. A submissive is willing to put their mind, body and livelihood in the hands of a Dominant who then makes decisions that are best for the both of them. At least, that's what is supposed to happen; I was completely oblivious to the red flags. My Master was supposed to look out for whats best for me, my sister slave and him. I guess in any relationship there can be selfish, manipulative people, that can turn curiosity into a nightmare. 

I can't say that I regret the whole thing because my mistakes have lead me to the people I love today and helped me to become the person I love as well. I did have some great times though, and I got to discover things about myself that I didn't even know existed. Like my first play session, I had no idea how much I could handle! It was definitely a memorable and learning experience. Before I started the session, I thought that I would not like it hard and especially not end up with bruises. I left that first weekend, happy and content with what I had done. I was covered from chest to thighs in bruises of various size and color, reminding me almost every time I moved, of the pleasure and relief that I got being a sub. I was passionate and persistent with the fact that I would do it again, preferably with my Master that I chose since we connected so well during the scene. We had not stopped contacting each other since that weekend, endless texts and phone calls. He would have me check in with him every chance I got and still kept me in line even though we were more than miles apart. I thought he was sweet, caring and a strong Dominant. I was on the right track to being the well rounded person I aspired to be, and it was all because of him. I went out there a few more times by myself and spent the weekends having fun and getting used to doing things around his house. There were chores that he wanted me and my sister slave to do daily and weekly, and I would learn them all in a quick weekend. I would enjoy my time getting to know them, trying new things and I was getting a lot better at just doing what Master told me because he knew what was best. He would tell me to do what seemed like random things and I used to talk back, but he would just give me a look and I shut up. I was becoming obedient, cooking, cleaning and doing whatever was asked of me. It all seemed great, but there were a few things that seemed out of the ordinary. Like he would occasionally ask me to set up the bedroom and wait for him, then he just wouldn't show up. I would fall asleep in his bed and then he would sound offended when I asked him what happened to him showing up. His reason for doing these things over and over, or what I figured out to be an excuse, was that he was testing me to see how I would react and if I would do the right thing or be immature. 

Master would tell me that I did not do well with his test and I would automatically feel guilty for thinking that he didn't care or forgot about me. He liked to test me and was great at making me feel bad, but he was also amazing at comforting me and making me feel loved. While I was there it was hard to see how often I was really sad and so I would leave there thinking I had a perfect time. I had gotten most chores and rules down during my stay so I was confident and happy being there, it was my home. Then I got really sad when I had to go back to college each time. By the end of my weekend trips, I had started avoiding my school work, hiding away in my room and Master was acting strangely, too. He did not like the fact that I smoked cigarettes, but he sent me home with a carton of my favorite kind.

It felt like we were together forever, but it had only been a few months since we started talking and things were already changing. After our last weekend together, he had gotten quieter; shorter texts and less calls. I was told not to bother him unless he explicitly told me to contact him. I was still supposed to check in with him every day, this time he didn't always respond. At this point in our relationship, I felt dependent on him and our constant contact. It made me feel comfortable that the distance wasn't a problem and I could reach him or Emma whenever I wanted. When he wasn't talking to me, then neither was she. They would respond just enough to keep my hopes up. During this time, I decided to just have fun to keep my mind off the strange path of my newfound relationship. I would go to frat parties at college and when there were none, then I would drive back to my home town to get high with my bestie. Even these things wouldn't fully keep my mind at ease and I would sadden quickly with the thought of my silent phone. I could not make myself happy anymore, I needed distractions and drugs to help me. You can call it bad timing, but right at the peak of my depression, I was introduced to a new drug that could really make me feel happy. I fell hard with my co-dependency on this new drug and when Master had finally started calling again, he knew something was different. It was the first day of spring break and I was with my bestie when Master called. I was almost shocked that he was actually calling, I took a second to pick it up, then we got down to it. He questioned me about a few things and said he wanted to see me. I told him I really wanted to spend spring break with my best friend, so he asked her to come along with me. That day he sent some money to me and we left in the morning in my car. It took us 2 full days to get there, but we had an absolute blast on the road trip. It was the most fun I had in a long time, but then we got to his house. I was so happy to see him, but that didn't last for long. I got sad the next day, not even thinking that I was probably withdrawing from the drugs. My best friend was making the best of things, meeting new people can be fun and she new how to enjoy herself. I ended up hiding away upstairs, listening to sad music. Master had Emma come and get me, he know something was up and wanted to talk. I came down and he had me sit in front of him on the floor. He asked me why I'm acting so strangely and not having a good time, to which I confessed of my drug problem. All he had to do was stare me down and I melted, started crying and apologizing. He told me he somehow knew already and that I had to get over this problem myself, but for now just enjoy my time at home.

Over the next few days I tried to snap out of it, we just had fun and did what we wanted. Master even let us get some piercings and tattoos, he was paying for it all. Emma got a micro-dermal piercing, the bestie got an amazing back tattoo and a tongue piercing, and I got a star on my hip. Then I finally decided to get another piercing, I couldn't decide between the lip or nose so I got both! We were having such a blast, drinking, smoking and getting different things on our bodies. I was drowning out my sadness and issues from back home when Master decided to up and leave. He had this habit of going to the mountains with his friends, though he confessed to me later on where he would actually. For now, we just knew that he was gone and had no idea when he would be back. We had no money, weren't allowed to really go any where and he left his phone at home. So the three of us didn't want our fun to be ruined so we basically stayed drunk the entire time he was gone. After about 4 days Master came home and started drinking with us, I through a bit of a hissy fit since I thought it was rude for him to just leave. Especially since I was just visiting and my friend was here for the first time, I wanted her to like them and be happy for me. Master was not liking my attitude and started picking at me for being a party-pooper, it took my best friend being the amazing person that she is, to finally snap me out of it. I got pretty drunk and Master wanted to cheer me up so he let me spend the night with him. We played a little and had our fun, but we were drunk so it didn't last long. I was happy, though, that he chose me to sleep with him that night. I was happy the rest of my trip, he was really making me feel special again. It helped that we stayed drunk almost all day, but he couldn't just leave it at that. My second to last day there Master wanted Emma and I to get another tattoo, his initials. I wasn't too comfortable with it, but after drinking and partying, I eventually made it to the tattoo parlor. He wanted it on our thighs so as to mark his territory, no one should see it unless he wanted them to. Master had pulled out the tattoo design from his pocket, it appears that he had it all ready to go and pre-made. I was really out of it when I was getting the tattoo, but the next day I saw it. It was not just his initials, it was his initials in giant bubble letters filled and lined with black. I was heading home today so I tried to just smile and Master was being so nice. He handed me money and we left to go back home. I just kept thinking that he basically branded me! I was feeling very uncomfortable, but there was no turning back now. 

My best friend kept trying to make me feel better, even though she knew that the tattoo was a big mistake, we were just so caught up in the vacation. We started playing some good music and kept driving home, there was nothing more to say. By the time we got back to Illinois, we were both tired and the entire trip was getting to us. Non stop partying and coming down from all that, craving our drug of choice and after a long 2 days of driving was too much. We crashed out, but not before Emma texted us about how mad Master was at me. Apparently, I left the house a mess, referring to when I was packing up to leave. He had to jump over my bag to get a cup of water and that meant that it was a mess. I was kind of offended that he was mad over something petty like that and couldn't even tell me himself. I apologized still and proclaimed that it was a temporary mess that I cleaned up when I left. I didn't hear anything back so I slept and left to go back to school in the morning. I got really depressed after that trip, not a single word from Master since I the trip and I was trying my hardest to get over my drug problem. My will was not strong and I ended up falling deep down the rabbit hole. My best friend was dealing with it too, in her own way, and so we drifted apart. I started failing some classes and not even showing up to others, but at college I was able to just have fun. That was my only support system left, I had no best friend at the moment, my love life was a mystery and I didn't have any structure with my college classes. I met up with some people looking to find my drug of choice or better, but that was the final straw. I ended up in a real life crack house trying to get my fix of whatever. I could not believe where I was, what I was doing and how I got to this point in my life. I knew I couldn't get myself to quit so I told my mother and she flew out to help me. The only thing that saved me was knowing that if I kept doing drugs I would lose my relationship with my mom. I completed the classes I could at college and then dropped out. I decided to move in with my mom. I was supposed to be moving to his home, but with no word from Master or Emma, I just had to assume that it was over. I packed up everything and started driving.

This move was going to be good for me, I needed  a new scenery and new friends. I still kept in contact with my best friend, but it took some time to get back to normal with her. This peaceful drive was perfect. I was alone with my thoughts, the wind blowing in my hair and the beautiful scenery passing by. Just what I needed, it was refreshing. My phone started ringing when I got to my last hotel, and I couldn't believe who it was. Master was calling after over 2 months of no contact. I answered the phone out of curiosity and he asked me why I was not driving to him. I almost yelled that I hadn't heard from him in forever, but it wasn't worth it. He kept saying that not matter what I belonged with him and he was giving me time to deal with my "problem" before I came home. I didn't know what to feel, but I told him I had to think things over. He kept trying to convince me to just change my route and come home to him. I just told him that I needed to at least see my mom first. He said that was fine, but to make the trip quick. We hung up, but I still needed to think. What was I to do? 

Dani